Jordan Gray says that cheating is entirely avoidable, especially if you understand what is actually driving your urges.
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Maybe you’re feeling neglected. Maybe you don’t feel desired. Or maybe you don’t feel like your partner puts forth effort anymore.
Whatever the reason, if cheating has been on your mind lately, this article could very well be the thing that saves your relationship.
Signs That You’re Thinking About Cheating
You need two things in place in order to cheat: you need some kind of emotional distance from your intimate partner, and you need an action plan of how you would potentially carry out the infidelity.
Emotional Distancing
In order to get more emotional distance, your thoughts will likely transition from gratitude and appreciation of your partner (“They’re so thoughtful, considerate, and good to me!”) to round the clock internal criticism and external bickering (“Is that the best they can do?”). You will see them as less valuable and less attractive as your mental frequency tunes into a new, poisonous radio station… one that finds fault in everything that they do.
Sure they washed the dishes, but they loaded the dishwasher in the way that you hate.
Sure they made a dinner reservation for your date night, but they booked the same place that you’ve gone to for your last three date nights. Could they be any more predictable?
Sure they still find you sexually desirable and try to initiate sex with you regularly… but do they have to do it in the same old routine? How boring!
Can they do anything right? Yes, they can. And they have been doing things right. They’ve been doing things right for a long time. But currently, you are unwilling to see it.
You don’t need to make yourself wrong for having these thoughts… but it is good to recognize that you are having these thoughts so you can drive a wedge into them to stop yourself from carrying out something that will hurt your partner and yourself more than you can imagine.
Action Plan
Cheating is almost never an “it just sort of happened” type of situation. It’s largely premeditated and has usually been on the mind of the cheater for a while before it actually happens. Here are a few signs that you might be laying down bricks on your path to cheating.
Fantasizing
Do you find yourself fantasizing about the rush of acting out your desires? Have you thought about how exciting it would be to reach out to someone you find attractive, or to book a hotel room for a night and rendezvous with someone new?
While it’s totally healthy and normal to casually glance at people that you find attractive on the street or to have some light flirtation with your server, if you find yourself escalating potential scenarios in your mind on repeat then you might want to pay close attention to your thoughts.
Just like Gustav Eiffel created the blueprints for the Eiffel tower before it was built in the real world, everything that comes to fruition in your life happens first in your mind.
Contacting Former Lovers
Flirtatious friendships can take a questionable turn if your defences are already feeling low and you’re seeking stimulation outside of your relationship.
If you find yourself adding your former flings on Facebook, or heavily stalking the ones that you’re already digital connected to (“Are they married yet? Are they dating anyone right now?
Do they look happy? Should I message them just to catch up?”) then this could be a red flag.
Emotional cheating is just as damaging as getting physically involved with someone – even more so in the minds of a lot of people.
So if you find yourself moving from thoughts to actions by reaching out to former lovers, then you should stop yourself dead in your tracks as soon as possible.
You’re Looking For Crutch Hookups
A lot of the time people cheat on their significant others because they feel like their relationship is doomed and they’re looking for a way out. I call these crutch hookups. It’s that extra leverage point that tells you “Now that I made out with this other person, I HAVE to end the relationship.”
And while there’s nothing wrong with a relationship needing to end because you feel like you’ve grown apart, cheating your way out does a lot more damage than earning your way out.
Instead of using a crutch hookup, deploy some courage and have a real conversation with your partner. Your partner deserves to know if you’ve emotionally checked out of the relationship.
Relationships end. People grow apart. That doesn’t need to be avoided. But end the relationship like a grown up by talking it out and leaving on relatively good terms.
How To Keep Yourself From Cheating
If you are looking for an out, then that needs to be addressed. Whether you go to couples counselling, or have a good series of conversations with your partner, cheating is the coward’s way out of a relationship. Yes, it’s appealing. Yes it will give you leverage on yourself to end the relationship. But you will hurt your self-esteem, sense of integrity, and your partner greatly in the process. It’s never worth it.
Try the following five steps if you want to keep yourself from cheating.
1. Look Inward
Ask yourself, “What do I actually need right now?”
Cheating (or being a ‘cheater’) is not a disease… it is a symptom. It is something that comes up in your mind as an option when other needs have not been met, or you have convinced yourself that they have not been met.
Do you feel like you need your attractiveness validated to you? Do you need to feel desired more? Do you feel like you’ve been emotionally disconnected from your partner for too long and you’re frustrated by your residual feeling of neglect? After identifying the root emotional issue, ask yourself “Is there any way I can give myself this same emotional benefit, or is there a way I can bring this up with my partner first?”
Cheating is almost always about unmet emotional needs. Dig into what you’re actually looking for, and what you actively need on an emotional level, before you carry out any of your cheating plans.
2. Are You Just Seeking Stimulation?
Maybe you’re a thrill seeker and you haven’t had anyone throw any gasoline on your fire lately.
Maybe your relationship has become too boring, bland, and predictable.
Do you feel unattractive and need to give yourself more self-love? Do you feel uncared for? Do you feel under-stimulated in your career or day to day life and you’re just looking for an exciting outlet?
You are certainly within your rights to want to feel excited, loved, and full within your relationship. So if you don’t feel any of these things, either find a way to incorporate those feelings into your life or ask your partner for them.
3. Talk About It
Thoughts are a lot more powerful than they need to be when they start and end inside of us. Even talking about it to a coach, therapist, or close trusted friend is better than nothing.
Try viewing opening your mouth to let your honest words flow out as the lid being taken off of a boiling pot of water to let the steam out. Your words are merely a stream of emotion that deserve to be let out. Even if you don’t know what you would say, reach out to someone who is trustworthy and confidential to either get a second opinion, or just let the words flow.
4. Take An Honest Look At Your Sex Life
Your sex life is a microcosm of how your entire relationship is going. Does one of you invest a lot more than the other? Are the sexual acts that are carried out very one-directional (where one of you gets all of the attention and the other is regularly neglected)?
Or maybe you have mismatched libidos and you haven’t yet found a way (or even discussed a way) to find a sexual equilibrium.
Similar to a lot of the points in this article, this boils down to – Are you truly asking for what you need, or just silently suffering?
5. Remind Yourself Why You Entered The Relationship
And not just in the ‘remember what you like about your partner’ kind of way. You entered into this relationship because you decided that committing to this one person was going to allow you to feel more comfort, security, and companionship compared to hooking up with new people every week.
Yes, if you are in a monogamous relationship, you are may feel the need to grieve the loss of your single life. But everything worth something takes sacrifice.
You gave up the taste and feel of naked new skin, for the comfort and familiarity of someone who knows, loves, and sees you. Like a long-term stock portfolio, your relationship only increases in value over time. Except, instead of extra cash-flow, your dividends are connectedness and emotional fulfillment (which have been proven to make you happier than money anyways).
Is Cheating Ever The Answer?
One of my friends’ fathers once told me that “Sex with someone new is always the same, but sex with the same person is always different.”
And while the idea of cheating might seem exciting for a short while, you know deep down that it will only hurt you and your partner indefinitely.
Check in with what emotional needs you want to have met, talk to someone trustworthy about the thoughts you’ve been having, and respect your partner enough to funnel your sexual and emotional energy into them instead of into someone else that doesn’t deserve those gifts.
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