I Cheated and I Got Caught

Tommy Maloney confesses.

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Yes the title is correct—“I cheated and I got caught”—but before the hate mail starts up, please hear me out. I meant no harm by my actions, because I was actually doing it for the right reasons—until it recently backfired in my face. Who knew that after all these years the so-called lie would come back to bite me? I thought if I stayed under the radar and kept my nose clean all would be good.  But I was wrong. Way wrong. And now that I’ve been found out, I am happy, finally to pay my debt to society.

In 2009 I was trying to figure out things in my life. This was about a year after my divorce, and as a dad I was still struggling on how to balance on how to spend time with my son Connor while just simply being a presence in his life when I was not with him. I was the every other weekend dad as well as being on the road during the week for work. During the summer of 2009 my relationship with Connor was very difficult in the sense that we were just not getting along with each other. I would pick him up on my Friday night, and there would be times where after maybe an hour or two he wanted to go home to his mom. I felt heartbroken, but as a child of divorce I got it. (Sometimes after taking him back home to his mom the crying would help). It was not necessarily about missing his mom (again, I would understand that), but his mom had her boyfriend living with them, and I felt that Connor did not want to be replaced (oh boy do I understand that).One day he had a huge meltdown at the local entertainment center, a place where kids go to play games or drive go-carts. The moment was a turning point for both of us.

Connor was still young enough where screaming and slamming doors was his way of communicating his anger and frustration. After his meltdown, he ended up spending four hours in his room. And I missed out on father of the year with one vote because of this tantrum. Finally, when he was all calm, we talked.  I was honest with him that it was no fun to be around him and I had no answers. He expressed the wish of nearly every child of divorce of wanting his parents back together, but again I was honest and told him that his mom was happy with her boyfriend and that unfortunately this is how it was going to be. I remember going through this with my mom when I was around Connor’s age. After we talked, something changed in Connor’s attitude during the next few visits, and our time together was for the better. I loved the change and wanted to spend more time with him because he was once again the fun loving boy I had known before the divorce.

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That fall Connor expressed an interest in playing hockey, and this was not only a shock, but I also wanted to run to the highest mountain in Colorado and shout out of my joy. Hockey was actually my sport, and I wanted so badly to teach him. I had to come up with a plan for how could I use this to my advantage—a “cheat” for being an every other weekend. 

Now maybe cheating is not exactly what I was doing, but I tell friends I just wanted to spend as much time with Connor as I possibly could, and I have used words like “cheat” or being “selfish,” since again I just wanted his time to be our time. I was blessed to have had two amazing dads as Connor’s coaches during his first year on the team. I explained to them that I did not want to coach but would do what ever I could to support the team, including helping out if they wanted me on the ice. Not only was I able to help on the ice, but I also found a new passion of wanting to someday being a coach. 

I have spent the past several years going from just helping out on the ice so I could stay connected with Connor to being the team’s goalie coach to currently serving as a head coach. In the first paragraph I told you that I “cheated,” which you now understand as trying to manipulate the part-time visitation of divorced parenting for my own benefit, but you’re still waiting for the part where I got caught. The truth is the whole time I felt like a fraud and worried that sooner or later the hockey organization would see that I was a fake and would not only ask me to turn in my coaching card but also take away my dad card (OK, there’s no such thing) as well. 

But it turns out I was wrong about being a fake. Not only was I asked if I would be a head coach, but I also had other parents wanting their kids on the team I would be coaching. I was so honored to hear those words, either in person or during this past summer when I would receive an email asking if I was coaching again. The thing is … I actually live close to an hour away from the rink, a choice made because that is where my wife lives (yes I am remarried), and the other parents knew it. Many parents were concerned that I would pull Connor to the hockey association closer to my house, but that thought never crossed my mind. This is where we have established our roots, so what is an hour ride in the car but more quality time together.

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I hope you are not disappointed that this article was not like watching “Keeping up with the Kardashians,” but just a bit play on words. I never expected to go through life married, a dad, divorced, and remarried. I never expected to watch Connor going from just learning to skate to being a goalie. I never expected to become an author, speaker, and a certified parenting educator.  What do I expect in life? I’m not really sure, but I will do my best to cheat the grim reaper so I can keep coaching Connor for many more years. 

Photo—Michael Coghlan/Flickr

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